Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 07:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ll always be the one who got away.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..
←Rate | 05-27-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 18:29 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  

   messageicon This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
←Rate | 05-26-2018 16:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  

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