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drink up everybody! Its somebody's birthday today. 
Release the hounds Smithers!
I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?
OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.
Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car
How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!
If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!
LOVE ~ It's a special kind of stupid.....
My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.
What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?
No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-
Osama had porn, Pepsi, Coke, TV, strange drugs, three women and more! Are you sure we killed Osama Bin Laden and not Charlie Sheen?
Now that the world is ending this Saturday, making plans for the weekend will be so much easier
Two rules of success in life: 1. Always have some secrets. 2.
Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes.
Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.
Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.
You're doable, not dateable. Know your place.
I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines. 