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Yo mama so fat, she need cheat codes for Wii fit. 
People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."
Privilege is living in public housing where you don't have a utility bill and where rising property taxes, rent and energy costs have no effect on how much food you can put on your table.
I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.
Is it bad that when I saw the name "Ke$ha" I automatically thought she was Black?
Dear Android developers,Could you please stop making new phones for just a little while not too long but just a little while so I can experience contentment with the phone that I have ..ps I cannot afford to buy every phone you make.
What's black and fills in welfare forms?......A pen. :P
Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again
has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who!
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
dear america, this years election is your IQ test. Right now it doesnt look good ... -the world
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world
My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.
Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....
I shot Big Foot last night but I dumped the body in the ocean before I could get a picture.
Heros don't wear capes, they wear dog tags.
I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.
Heard the miners in Chile are being removed Juan by Juan...
added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason. 