Funny Status Messages

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.

   I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

   Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.

   These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?

   My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

   There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

   Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.