Funny Status Messages

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   My food pyramid is currently in its cubist phase

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone