Funny Status Messages

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   I don't care what you say about Zombies. Zombies love you for your brain, not your beauty.

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   When I die I have 2 wishes. #1- Scatter my remains throughout DisneyWorld.... #2- I don’t wanna be cremated

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.