Funny Status Messages

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

   If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.

   Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic

   I'm here to announce that I too am suspending my Presidential Campaign. I want to thank all my supporters and the one or two of you that even knew that I was running.

   I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!