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Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend." 
I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!
Why can I not stop watching the Food Network?
It may look like i'm doing nothing but at the cellular level i'm actually quite busy.
to quit looking at my status
...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway
have you ever noticed that there are some people that don't need to be on facebook. They either inadvertenly cause drama, or they are prone to the late night drunken facebook status updates
Amazon always recommends me the things I bought, I mean dude why would I want the same or similar thing again
I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?
I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?
you wanna know how to frustrate half the population in an instant?.... NEW facebook!!"
I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.
I hate racsism. Racsism is a crime, and crime is for blck people
If you want someone to know that you think you're cooler than them, pretend like you don't remember their name.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
How come TSA always "randomly" searches my luggage, but I can't randomly hit the lotto 