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For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked 
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.
Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct
n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.
If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.
Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV
I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.
Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.
"Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung
I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.
A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice
apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL
A fool is a wise man's ladder.
Our inner demons would get along wonderfully. 