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"Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung 
I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.
I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.
if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.
Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.
Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.
I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.
A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice 