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My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered... 
The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."
You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.
Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."
Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.
I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.
if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.
Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.
Do we lazy people go to hell OR do they send someone to pick us up?
Apparently you will need a firearm license before purchasing the Note 7 replacement
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table. 