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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel? 
Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy
I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?
Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie
Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.
Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.
I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct
n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.
If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.
Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV
I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.
Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too. 