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Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation! 
Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"
No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.
If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.
I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.
Life is like an FB friend list, people come into your life an present unlimited possibilities. What you do with them is up to you. Some you interact with. Some you don't . And some you say "Who the heck is this person and what are they doing in my life?
you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
on a bus with his goldfish Gill, going to Lake Winnipesaukee to see Dr. Leo Marvin.
drives way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Life is just defying death
she looked good from far,but when she got up close she was far from good.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever."
I went to a restaurant today and there was a big sign ---> "Employees caught speaking Spanish will be paid in Pesos."
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I've noticed that if you remove the vowels from the word "FEMALE" it spells FML.
You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.
You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg. 