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When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone 
Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
I'm not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It's a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Ran out of T.P. and discovered Pledge furniture wipes. Now my pants won't stay up.
Honey that posted this below dont lie to these folks, you never did have a 401k, hell you never worked a day in your life.
Gas is only a buck a gallon and we're not allowed to leave our houses...
Have we tried unplugging 2020 waiting 30 seconds and then plugging it back in?
Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Dear Netflix, Thanks for all the great movies but can you please stop adding one's about pandemics as I'm fully capable of turning on the news. Thanks!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.
The 11th Commandment:...Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor
Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.
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