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Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary. 
Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."
OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?
What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.
Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.
My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.
I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.
like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams
on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year
The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.
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wondering who had the nerve to go to work dressed as Darth Vader today?
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.
going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care
getting my baseball bat and ninja sword ready for tomorrow
BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........
My wife would buy anything. Just this afternoon I came home to find a naked man in her closet.
Sorry, I meant to, but life happened. 