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At this very moment, Mexicans are building ladders. 
Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.
I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates
I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”
two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."
I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.
like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams
on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year
The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.
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wondering who had the nerve to go to work dressed as Darth Vader today?
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.
going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care
getting my baseball bat and ninja sword ready for tomorrow
BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........
My wife would buy anything. Just this afternoon I came home to find a naked man in her closet. 