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If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies? 
I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You've probably seen our poster.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!
If I'm ever in a coma, please don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.
If your car has reindeer antlers and a red nose then I should be allowed to shoot you
Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Relationship status: Just yelled "You're the fcuking problem!" at one of the cats.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too
I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to $hit more at work.
Its too bad I didn't win the Power Ball. I was really looking forward to buying three days of food from Whole Foods
That selfie looks like your daddy missed a lot of ballet recitals.
Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman
Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government
If I burned the bridge between us.. Chance are you gave me the match..
It's about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder." 