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My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH! 
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.
I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.
wonders why Monopoly never gave us any explanation as to why we had to "Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200". Seriously, what the hell was that about?
Not all relationships are meant to last the distance. Some are just practice for the one that does.
Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top
If your girlfriend spend most of her free time watching "Law and Order" "CSI" "The First 48" "Dexter" and "Snapped"...Do yourself a big favor and go buy her flowers...
Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.
If anyone wants to donate money for Hurricane Irene, make check out to me, so I can assist beachfront bars in recovering from their loss of income. Cash is also accepted.
Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod
I wonder what quality the wife of the inventor of Vagisil possessed that made him want to create such a thing
Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?
I just read where the SEAL team that popped Bin Laden was based in Virginia Beach. So his big surprise at the end wasn't 72 virgins, it was 24 Virginians. Adios you ahole. Tell Saddan we send our regards and save a spot at the table for Gaddafi.
Ladies, I can either play with your heart or with your boobs. Its your choice.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons. 