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I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am." 
Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.
People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?
Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.
I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.
You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.
trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you
All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.
If the creators of Words with Friends took a peek at my score they would totally accept FUCT as a word.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.
I don't know how life is as a super hot chick. However, I have played a lot of video games and it must be similar to when you became invincible to everything in your path for 10 seconds. Just replace 10 seconds with "your entire life."
knows the muffin man.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip.....who will?
believes : Early to bed,early to rise.....and your girl goes out with other guys.
wants to get his Chill in, but instead is getting his Hang on
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em. 