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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials. 
60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.
Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.
I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.
I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML
Strangers have the best candy..
If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.
I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.
It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols! 