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3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool. 
There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.
Ryan Lochte and his teammates lied about being robbed in Rio, but let’s see how much damage will be done to their careers.
It’s not that I enjoy hot, steamy showers. I just want the mirrors fogged up so I can’t see my naked body.
You can't just light a pumpkin spice candle in August you psycho.
On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?
I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.
Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.
Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.
Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.
Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.
Just call Weight Watchers frozen meals what they really are, appetizers.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me. After yesterday, the ice cream man can go stuff himself!
"We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.
Sometimes to make myself feel better I wrap up my hopes and dreams with bacon.
Don’t be intimidated by other people’s opinions. Only mediocrity is sure of itself, so take risks and do what you really want to do
What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio? 