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If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad. 
IKEA is just adult LEGO sets
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!
My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.
Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty quick.lol
I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.
When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza. 