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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England. 
I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.
Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death
When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive
Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.
Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.
I was talking to a guy outside my building and he was telling me his gf hates his dog and he had to get rid of her so if anyone who doesn't own a dog wants her shes available. Shes about 5'3 130 pounds brunette.
The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.
Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.
An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.
Most all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as the head of household.
The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...
"Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."
Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge. 