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I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions. 
Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!
I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.
You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.
It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.
"You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!
German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"
Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there
My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.
How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.
F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.
I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.
Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...
I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.
"Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.
I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.
How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive 