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The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia! 
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.
If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?
I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.
Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........
"I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.
As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife
Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....
Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou. 