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My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song. 
Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first
i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...
as pissed off as a midget with a yo yo
Lil' help ladies...If a woman says she'd rather go home and fart in a shoe box, is that "code" for something?
If your blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*
Your Hope has been redistributed... Here's your Change.
Thinks i'm going to answer the phone at work all day today saying ''Hello, this is Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color"?
TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!
Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
More bad news for the New England Patriots. The NFL now has video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
First rule of cuddle club, it better lead to sex or you are out of cuddle club.
Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.
Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.
Black Friday. The day we buy a whole bunch of material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.
If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?
life is all bout ass... you're either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.
Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow. 