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I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas. 
The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.
My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.
Decaf is the handjob of coffee.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.
Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?
In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo 