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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in 
I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...
I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?
Dating right now,
is like trusting a public defender.
Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.
Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?
I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.
Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....
The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.
The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.
So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?
If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.
If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.
I don't understand why people get in the left lane just to drive the speed limit. That lane is for crime.
Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.
Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you'll never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome.
It is said that 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I haven't yet figured out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Please wear your masks. It saved my friends life. He was having lunch with his girlfriend and his wife didn't recognize him.
As an electrician,
I always hated grounding my kids
White trash go to the movies
Just for the trailers
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