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Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true. 
Some couples hold hands because theyre afraid that if they let go theyd kill each other
For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)
If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food
i like to say a BIG HAPPY CHRISTMAS to the person who dropped money on the floor today.thank you
Textaphrenia- Hearing or feeling vibrations from texts that dpnt exist..
thought about dozens of Vampire movies and shows for the past decade and wondered which ones sucked the life out him and the ones that just sucked.
loves automatic doors. It makes him feel like a Jedi.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
snuck his daughter's phone and changed his contact info to Batman. Now it's a little more exciting when she gets a text like 'get ready. picking you up in 5 mins.
I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.
I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.
I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.
Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.
What do Hurricane Earl and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody is gonna lose a trailer.
Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.
I vote for a 3 day weekend and a 4 day work week.
the body of a God, unfortunately its Buddha
Funny how there was no mention of Harvey Weinstein on Kimmy Kimmel last night
If you believe in open borders ..Why is your fence so high . 