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I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome 
CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit
If you are taken any E.D.prescription medication and have an a erection lasting more then 4 hours, No need to call the doctor, Just look at a picture of Nancy Pelosi and everything will be back to normal.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Now that Al-Qaida has officially declared that they will revenge Osama's death, can we see the goddamn pictures coz we already pissed them enough as it is. Might as well rub it in their faces..
If after many drinks, and she still looks ugly, put a flag on her head and do it for your country.
just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.
City of Dallas just announced tomorrow is Lebron James Day. Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.
There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not? ツ
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can't run away..."
Knock knock...... Who's there? A lawyer who should not do jokes at a murder trial.
dear Santa, let me explain...
Guy: Wanna go out with me? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: I have a test tomorrow. Girl: And? Guy: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on
The Royal Couple will be in the U.S. on Friday. Isn't that ironic? We spent Monday celebrating the day we threw the British out, and on Friday we're letting them back in. 