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No matter what you can do, no matter how talented you are, no matter how amazing and unique that talent may be, somewhere in the world an Asian kid can do it better. 
Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."
i slept on the couch last night, because when my wife asked me why I go to the gym so much. I'm thinking because I wanna look good if we get divorced was not the correct responce.
Don't confuse Facebook with your diary. We really don't need to know some of your personal sh*t.
We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield
Irish I was a little bit taller, Irish I was a baller. Irish I had a girl who looked good I would call her.
The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.
If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.
Why are there so many First baptist Churches? One of those has to be second, third..........
When I was 18, I really thought I was in love. So, I asked my grandfather. ‘ is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.
Insteading of buying a big, hi-definition TV I got new glasses instead. Now the picture is sharper and more lifelike and I saved thousands of dollars!
Wow, you're tall. Do you play basketball? ..Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?
Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday
A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is.
Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.
Some of us have to learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...
(sigh) women
You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day. 