Funny Status Messages

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   Why does the MSM keep referring to the Parkland shooting as a "senseless tragedy"? I mean, come on. Is there any such thing as a "sensible tragedy"? It's a tragedy; just leave it at that.

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?