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I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots. 
Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.
You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.
Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!
me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p
Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
"We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever
It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.
My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored
Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum
I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport 