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there a deadbeat son-in-law of all bombs somewhere complaining about his mother-in-law of all bombs? 
I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.
"You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.
When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.
:) Fun fact: Coca cola (coke) and other cola drinks would be green if not for the caramel coloring they add to it.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.
Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming
I'm just playing devils avocado here
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
"I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.
*Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.
Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
: I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down. 