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"We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair." -Every store ever 
It's Sunny!! Which is kind of like a "It's snowing!" post, but better because it's sunny and not snowing.
My gift to my therapist is that she is never bored
Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum
I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Sure, I'll go to your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool
After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.
Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.
Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.
I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.
Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination. 