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When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate... 
Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming
I'm just playing devils avocado here
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
"I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.
"I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream
The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.
*Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.
Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
: I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.
You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.
Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!
me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p
Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet. 