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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me. 
Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?"
Her: "My name is ALEXA..."
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year. 