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Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout. 
Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.
Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!
It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
If men Honestly answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would turn into a pornsite
I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there
Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life
Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!
Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it
I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math
Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind
Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"
Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.
Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.
"I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting
;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...
Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today. 