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DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport 
There is an American Olympic diver named "Steele Johnson". He could have a great job in adult films with that name...
After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."
Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.
If I ask my mom to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It's the button on the left!"
There is something I really like about women's beach volleyball but I can't put my finger on it.
Any man believes in freedom of speech at least for themselves.
Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.
I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.
Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.
Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools
My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.
Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.
Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?
If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?
[God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..
Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth. 