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Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine. 
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.
Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't
Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know 