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There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them. 
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.
My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said,
"Staring contest......GO".
I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.
The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.
This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over
No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.
A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.
Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.
Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.
Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
She is not a slut, she just needs to work on her "saying no" skills. 