Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger... 
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.
I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.
My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said,
"Staring contest......GO".
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.
Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.
Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.
This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills.... 