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I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires
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08-11-2018 03:33
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If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
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03-14-2017 02:43
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I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.
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02-16-2017 08:44
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It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.
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10-22-2017 21:10
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If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead
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01-11-2018 03:23
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I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......
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01-17-2018 17:29
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Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
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01-18-2018 06:11
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According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot
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01-23-2018 04:53
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As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
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01-25-2018 14:10 by
Cicci
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Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
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02-13-2018 06:56
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Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"
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02-26-2018 14:44
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Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.
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03-01-2018 07:23
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I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
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03-13-2018 02:29
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Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
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03-27-2018 14:41
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To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
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03-30-2018 05:08
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Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
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12-19-2019 07:08
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Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
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10-10-2019 11:59
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I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
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03-04-2020 06:02
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We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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03-28-2020 12:37
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Anybody else up to 6 meals a day
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04-08-2020 15:15
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0
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