Funny Status Messages

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.