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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer 
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
[first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything
I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.
Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.
I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.
Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends. 