Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”