Funny Status Messages

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

   Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire

   Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision

   1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.

   A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.