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My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king 
There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !
Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.
Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”
Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.
I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?
If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.
Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire 