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Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!
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08-23-2018 18:27 by
Stevielea
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Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
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09-10-2018 06:54
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I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy
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09-14-2018 00:59
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I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.
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09-23-2018 18:04
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There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...
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09-23-2018 23:13
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
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10-21-2018 06:44
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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12-19-2019 05:40
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How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
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10-23-2019 04:43
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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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12-11-2019 13:25
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When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person
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10-27-2019 14:12 by
kisstoper707
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.
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10-31-2019 06:24
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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11-03-2019 06:09
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Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke
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12-05-2019 13:52
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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11-18-2019 08:43
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(First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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11-18-2019 08:46
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I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
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11-19-2019 10:37
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Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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11-26-2019 06:25
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As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.
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11-25-2019 12:21
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My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
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12-30-2019 12:16
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.
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01-08-2020 11:42
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