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I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.
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05-29-2018 12:35
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I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.
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05-29-2018 12:49
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Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?
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05-29-2018 18:45
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I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"
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06-06-2018 00:38
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I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?
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06-19-2018 07:46 by
Truman
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The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
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07-13-2018 01:37
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Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.
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07-20-2018 14:47
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I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps
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08-20-2018 15:48
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Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!
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08-23-2018 18:27 by
Stevielea
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Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
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09-10-2018 06:54
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I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy
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09-14-2018 00:59
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I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.
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09-23-2018 18:04
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There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...
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09-23-2018 23:13
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
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10-21-2018 06:44
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We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
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08-30-2017 00:08
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Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
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09-09-2017 10:05 by
Sabrina
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I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
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09-15-2017 15:18
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Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
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10-16-2017 23:08
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Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
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10-17-2017 06:07 by
unknowncomic
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That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
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10-17-2017 23:54 by
Roach2001
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