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No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool." 
Somewhere out there is a girl taking the batteries out of her remote for her Vibrator.
Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.
Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"
One of God's greatest pranks would be to leave Rihanna behind as the 'only girl in the world' on saturday.
If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing grandfather clocks into an image search.
I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notifications saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.
No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.
To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .
...... No people ... the change in governmental administrations is not a sane reason to descend into a real life "Hunger Games" in this country .... Believe it or not it has actually happened before!!
My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".
Does anyone know if they have early morning looting hours for us seniors?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.
I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.
No matter where I go, everyone is always like, “Hey how did you get past security?”
..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.
I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job .. 