Funny Status Messages

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps