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when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall 
I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.
What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.
my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.
. Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.
Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.
asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart
If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park! 