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Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you! 
I'd punch Jay-z too. His face is stupid.
If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.
This World Cup has turned out like World War 2! The French surrendered early, the USA arrive at the last minute and the English are left to fight the Germans
hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.
┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ This drug is effective for cases of chronic boredom. Warning can be habit forming and lead to addiction!!!
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
( . )Y( . ) ........get your mind out the gutter ,its only homer simpsons eyes....
I need a job! I can't eat Healthcare!!!
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike
Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive women who drink entirely too much and need to be the center of attention at all times..... you are going to like me a lot...
Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.
I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off!
was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.
It's time we create the true equal society.... It's time we create the United Caucasian College Fund, and the National Association for the Advancement of Caucasians.
When I jerk off, I hold my pinky out, just in case if someone walks in, I look elegant doing it.
When a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?... When blondes have more fun do they know it? Just a couple of life's riddles that beg for an answer. 