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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me" 
Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way
Good Morning Inmates
Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!
I know my clothes are on the floor, I'm a guy, That's where I hang them.
Appropriately, Gaddaffi was killed by a rebel fighter standing in the sunroof of a VW van.
Ok, who left the bag of idiots open??
The best things in life make you sweaty.
Today you should prank call your single guy friends using google voice to change the number and tell them you are calling from the Maury Povich show.
"When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."
I like to take a day off every now and then to create the illusion of a real life.
Just heard Sandusky's on suicide watch. I'm checking ticket prices.
I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.
Sadness in its purest form....going to a bbq and instead of beer you find soda, kids, pinwheels, and bubbles.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.
I am not into running, but if they ever hold a 50 foot run where they serve beer at the end, I am in.
Just when I'm about to bang the girl of my dreams....I wake up.......everytime
I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.
This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck 