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May your coffee kick in before reality does. 
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.
“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
This job is really getting in the way of my naps.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.
Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
"Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol 