Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free...

   It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.

   When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, put him into a double stroller, and run around looking frantic.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   Sometimes I need to recheck my facebook account to remember what I did this past weekend. 

   Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It'll be the one they use when you go missing

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   I think I'm gonna start lifting up my shirt, showing off my gut, and demanding to be called The Fatuation.

   Note to vegetarians:Plants are living things to, they are just easier to catch.

   What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.

   says The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ... But it cheers you up when you let off a nice silent one and walk away........

   can't help but giggle every time the SlapChop guy says " You're going to LOVE my nuts"