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The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol. 
Negative people have a problem for every solution.
I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"
To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?
It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.
My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.
Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.
For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.
I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
"Nice mask' Me firting in 2020
We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry. 