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Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still? 
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Due to the election I may start a moving co.
Thank god this election is over......I almost forgot what real commercials were like.
A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?
Worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss
Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...
i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; and not a government agency.
I AM SO READY TO KISS 2016 GOODBYE!
The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.
I bought my dog his own cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.
Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."
I bought a Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinner. I guess that would be enough if the Hungry man was a starving Ethiopian. 